I am not ashamed

As you all know, I have been in the paper and magazine and online news, due to me trying to bring out awareness about writing to inmates. Due to all of this social services had gotten involved because my sons school had reported a family photo being in the news paper (apparently on the front page) back in june when it was in the paper. Which at this time when they reported it they had been told by MASH that there were no concerns, so when the story went online in september the school had reported it again (same one and even though there was no family picture in that one) they as well as social services had not recognized that we were unaware that THE SUN was going to put in a family photo without our consent (which is against the law), anyway my pregnancy has been EXTREMELY stressful with the involvement of social services, I am not ashamed for saying that they are involved because soon they won't be (hopefully).  One day in the car after dropping my son off at school, I had said to my husband "you know I try so hard to help people, to give some people hope and what bothers me is that I'm getting judged as a parent for writing to inmates for helping some men and women out there and it hurts".

The reason why I haven't posted much is because of social services, and the stress they have caused on me and my family, it has literally come to the point where I've come to a halt when it comes to writing because I dont know what to say. I had enjoyed writing to these men and women it brought so much light into their lives. I will probably start up again eventually once everything is settled with my family when our baby arrives. Although it may be somewhere down the road, I'm not stopping just taking a break, because I am not ashamed of bringing happiness and friendship to people who do need it, I am not ashamed for not being a judgemental person, I'm not ashamed of having an open heart, I am not ashamed for being who I am because at the end of the day I know I am a good mother I know I'm a good friend I know I'm a good person. I am not going to let anyone tell me otherwise!!!!

A little something to share

So a while ago Ralph,Raphaels brother had sent me a bunch of his poems to post up on my blog. In the envelope he had put in something that I believe someone had given to him or something he had found. He said he's not sure where it came from or who its from LOL but wanted to share it. I think it's something that's really good and something to make us all think about.


                                                           Conflict and Struggle                           

One consequence of a constantly changing polarity-based system is the reality of conflict and struggle, everything in the universe grows and changes through a process of struggle and conflict.  In order for anything to grow or change it must struggle to do so first.  Conflict is a natural part of growing, conflict is a friend, not an enemy.  We usually hate it when conflict begins, but the teaching says "when the struggle starts, get happy".   It means a change is starting to occur. Conflict proceeds clarity.

                      By annonymous                                 Oct/28/2004

Been a while.

It's been a long while with everything that's been going on in my life. I am still emailing a few of the guys.. but not as often as I normally did, it's maybe every couple of days or so.

I've been very well extremely tired lol....I have been talking to mainly Eric the past few months as well as Steve. I've found out that Steve is going to be partaking in a drug program for a tear which he will then get a year knocked off of his sentence :) which I think is fair enough he needs to be with his daughter I can't remember when the last time was that he had seen his daughter as he was moved to the prison where Rafael is which is about 4-5 hours away from his daighter:(

Eric has been hit with such drveststing news which he only told me about couple days ago. That someone had taken his little brothers life as well as his counsins life. It saddens me a lot as he can't be there for their funerals. But I'm amazed by the strength he's got, he's in there but yet still feels the need to be strong to hold his family together...an amazing heart and strong soul, my thoughts and prayers go put to him and his family, no one deserves to have their life taken away by another human being.....

I know it's thanksgiving in America. And all I can think is what it must be like for those in prison without families to talk to have give thanks for, the ones without friends.....I've had a few "happy thanksgiving" messages .... How can they find and give thanks when they are in a terrible place?? Such strong souls...I know I wpuldnt be thankful if I was in prison I would be more depressed than anything, but then I guess the ones who do have their families and their friends in their lives they most definitely have that to be thankful for or just to have someone to talk to...I'm rambling lol.....

Anyway for those (if any) that read this and are in America.....happy thanksgiving...

Treasure the time u speand with your loved ones. You never know when their time will be up....

Take care for now.

Jamie

Art work by Larry Shultz

Larry is a friend of Eric's, I know few things about him like he wad in the u.s.a air force or something like that? As you can see he is an aspiring artist! And also had done a family portrait!

He has told me that he does a lot of drawings in mystical creators ie faries unicorns (which you can see) and dragons. I love his unicorn paintings and the family one he helad done is simply amazing. He is pictured in with his art as well (obviously). I will be regularly getting pics of his art to post so I can't wait!  They will be sent through Eric.

Indigenous eyez entry by Thomas Thornton

Life aint fair and it never will be, the adversity built my character
brought me closer to me. My character prepared me for success,
it helped me to weather the storms, and wouldn't let me settle for
less. Life aint fair and it never will be. So why they still jealous,
envious and hatin' on me? I have been through the struggle, but
that part you can not see. Whishing I don't succed, hoping that Im
unhappy, life aint fair and it never will be. So every morning I pray,
Grandfather please help me through another day, Great Spirit I need
a blessing please throw one my way. Every night I pray Great Mystery
thank you for being with me, thank you for my health, strength, and
famILY. Pidamiya for the endurance you've given me to deal with....
Life aint fair....and it never will be.

The Dakota word for "sweatbath" is Inipi. The word is related to
the root word NI (to live) and the causative form Niya (to breath).
The two most common reasons for taking a sweatbath are for
Wicozanni (health) and for wiconi (life). Thus, a literal translation
of Inipi is "for thier life." The primary focus is upon the "life " of
the people.
To some the sweatlodge is like a womb. Here the participants
regain in a spiritual way a new life and strength. The sweatlodge
is shaped like the ribbed back of a mud turtle. Turtles are slow,
patient, and strong hearted. Even after they are dismembered, the
turtle's heart beats strongly. The mound reminds the participants
of the hill of the vision quest where one is close to the creator
and the spirits above. The pit inside reminds the participants of
the depths of the mysteries they are about to take part in.

The reason.

Ok, so freakishly women up to the scream of my son...thunder, and I've never heard him scream like that before, I check my corrlinks and I gave a message from Thomas. Please keep in mind that I am one of the people who have asked why he is in there...this hits it right on the nail!

"Often I am asked why am I in prison. The question is almost continually posed by someone who has taken the time to get to know me, and to "know me" is to know my talents, qualities, traits, and virtues. I am a poet. I am an author. i am an artist. I am an entrepreneur. Also, i am a loving father, devoted son, and kind neighbor. So... How could I then be an "Armed Career Criminal" as the government put it at my trial and subsequent sentencing? Easy. The government did not sentence "me". They sentenced my record. they sentenced a categorical history of what I did in my lifetime. The trouble with that is they do not keep records of anything positive. Only the crimes. The times I broke the laws are all the government concerned itself with. Why? Do not my good deeds have a weight against the bad ones? Imagine if we took this attitude into our personal lives, into our own homes. Your child talked back. You wrote that down. Your child missed his bedtime. You wrote that down. Your child received a bad grade because of failing to study. May be he or she tried a cigarette. Even shoplifted at a really low point. You marked it all down to gauge what kind of person the child is. But you never marked down the times he made you chicken soup when you were sick. Or the time he tried to make you a birthday card out of macaroni noodles. What about when he found money but returned it to the neighbor. And remember when he jumped in the pool that Summer to save his friend who could not swim. Then he became a father and turned out to be a great dad. He brought the whole family together for holidays and told awesome jokes. When someone was feeling down he hugged them and told them everything would be all right.... and he meant it. The courts don't calculate those things in to sentencing. They do not consider the poems, paintings, books, and companies I created. They don't care that I gave my last dollars to my grandparents when they needed money or that I helped my elderly neighbor carry furniture into her new apartment before I even knew her name. The court is a systematic money machine for this country. Now, 37 percent of inmates are mentally ill. They are locking them away because they can. because no one complains. Because society is glad to be rid of the "crazy nut" who spends all day talking to imaginary people. It is easy to turn a blind eye on prisoners... until you realize they are not all murdering rapists. Nope. There are guys like me. Misguided as a youth. Eager to impress, and struggling to be accepted. Most all the crimes I committed were to put food on the family table. I did not buy fancy carsm expensive clothes, etc... I paid rent and bought food. Not that I was justified. I NEVER was and I regret every time I broke a law but you have to understand that when you are faced with a choice to go hungry and homeless or push a law to the side.... The choice is very very hard to make and if you are not strong enough you will make the wrong one. I am guilty of not being strong enough. That is why I am in prison. I am here because I knew that the system is broken and not worth it and I was not strong enough to avoid it. Now, does that make me a "Armed Career Criminal"? No. Any one who was with me my last 2 yrs on the street can and would tell you that I had given up crime and turned my life around on my own just like I promised. Unfortunately (As my judge noted at sentencing) I did it after this last crime and not the one before. So, I sit in prison for that. The irony of it? Of all the crimes I did this is the one I actually did not commit. And you thought God did not have a sense of humor. LOL. Also, know this. I have no regrets and I am not bitter. I love life and find happiness every day."

A poem from Thomas

A CHIP OFF THE OL' BLOCK

You know I'm in-love with these gray skies
where my misery found company
near desolation and the wayside
I lost a piece of me, I buried
the pain I gained when my father died
guilt that grew because I could not cry
in a world of wet eyes mine were dry
left not yet a man to wonder why
the only good you gave was goodbye
I tried to build my own family
but only poisoned their purity
introduced them to insanity
depravation and calamity
the more I tried to explain for them
the less I was understanding me
I received these traits inherently
for I have become what you once were
antagonist to the man in me......

T.G. Thornton

A little catch up and a response to story

It's been a while since I have written everyone.

Which I've been feeling a bit guilty about, but I've got good reason as creating another little life right now :D yep I'm pregnant about 16 weeks now. Only a few of them know, I've yet to tell Shaun and I know how will be more than understanding, well quite a few have been anyway.

Ralph knew in august as well as his brother Rafael, Ralph said that when baby arrives he will make andream catcher for baby because the dream catchers are actually used to help the development of the baby while it sleeps! Something I never knew! I had always thought they were to catch bad dreams lol (it only makes sense!), I had sent Ralph's long awaited reply (nearly two months) letter today as well ad motthaku's letter, speaking of motthaku is a woman I wrote a letter to ages and ages ago and I'm so grateful that she has remembered and actually still replied! I think she's gonna be the one female who will keep writing.

Something I want to speak about, because of my story that has gone up a lot of the people mainly men are saying some well nasty things about me (do I care? NO!) only because they "assume" that I only write to men in prison, why? Because it's what the papers focus on of course! Anyway, I do not only try to write to men! And if anyone of you who read this seem to think so, it's the truth I have tried writing several women but if you actually read every post I believe that somewhere in there I do say it's very hard to get a female inmate to write back. That's because a lot of the women in prison seek something else such as love and companionship someone who will be there for the long haul. Some even specify that if you're not a man not to write to them as they're looking for a relationship!  With men well men will write men not because they could be gay though I've seen men on the wap.com facebook page say they write to men as friends and penpals of course! But they also like to talk to women as well, yeah some for the attention but maybe more so for the understanding.....

One person said in a comment "its women who fall in love with an inmate who put others off from writing" or something like that. Nooooo there are actually A LOT of women and men who have fallen for inmates, yeah maybe not married ones. Some people would find it's impossible to to fall for someone just from "reading a few lines on a piece of paper" I met my husband online and we exchanged letters lots of letters. A person can fall for another in any eau shape or form.

For those of you who say our son is at risk! FUCK OFF! Do you really think I would write to inmates in America (and only in America) if I felt I would be putting my little boy at risk? No I wouldn't!  There's a reason why I write to the ones in America it's because with most of what they have done they won't be able to even get into the uk and the mass majority of them are in for life!  I have NO intentions on meeting any of them!

For those of you who tell me I should get a job. You should look at the time line of the story! Between Sept 2012-Sept 2013 at the time Scott was not working when I started writing to inmates, it was 2013 that he had started to work, and if you actually paid attention you can see why I am not working IT'S CALLED A PROLAPSED DISK AND A BAD ONE!  Oh and by the way my weight has nothing to do with anything, and yes the guys know what I look like. You can call me a fat sloth a pig a fat lard whatever you want! But what you don't know is I am a tall woman I am 6'1  and I'm pregnant dumb asses!.....who needs bullies like you? You don't have to like or accept my decision to write to inmates either why? BECAUSE I SIMPLY DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK!   Esp to those who are trying to use my story to get into my sons life, yes be aware if you have kids social services will do anything in their power to get involved esp if you write to men or women millions of miles away and on the other side of the world! How pathetic!.

You people should never assume things, you may think they're bad people just because they're locked up. What about Shaun? He wasnt a BAD person! He had a loving wife kids of his own. He was in an accident and lost his wife.....and later charged with her death.
What about Thomas? He has two girls one who graduated in the summer. He's in for life because his friend let him take the fall for what should have been his time, he's been tryin to appeal his conviction because he obviously doesn't belong in there!
What about Steve? He's doing 10 just for taking a phone call! He's lost his baby girl and now he's been moved further away from his other daughter! Funnily though he was moved to fci mendota where Rafael is!
What about Eric? An artist, poet, actor and rapper who has a son and a loving mother, family who obviously care about him. A wonderful aspirational man, someone who has not given up but continued as he had done before not letting anything get in his way to where he wants to be, a good friend. Yes he is a poet, he's got 10 books coming put back to back! I own one of his books which is truly amazing!

There are people in prison who may be innocent and even if they're not 
People can change but in all honesty I believe it's the judgemental ones who need be the ones to change. so maybe you should think before you judge.

Until next time.

The world is such a sad place.

I find it sad how people feel the need to judge eachother.

If a woman such as myself writes to inmates then she must be "desperate" or "mentally ill" in one way or another. But what about the men who write to female inmates and even male inmates?

Just because we write to inmates we alone are being judge for who we are. The world and society is not a court room, but then I can be wrong about that. What gives others the right to say such nasty things about others?

Yes the men and women who have been locked away from society have been for a reason. Because they had a blackened heart? Maybe even acted in self defence? Maybe they needed to find a way to make ends meet by dealing drugs? Maybe what they had done was an accident? Or they got locked up for taking a simple phone call?

We all make mistakes, but it doesn't give others the right to judge us once we've been judged. The thing is we all have a little bit of darkness in our hearts, but behind that dark ess is a little bit of light, and sometimes it takes a VERY very very bad situation to make someone want to find that light they were never able to find. Maybe that light is a simple a letter? Or a new found friendship? I don't know......

I am very emotional right now. I just wish that everyone could just open their eyes and maybe just see what I see in others.

A bad person can turn into a good person. All it takes is that little bit of positivity that someone else can give.

More penpals and then some

So in June I decided to write five more guys. Thinking they weren't interested as I hadn't heard from them at all, I got two letters last week and one today.

I still have loads of letters to catch up on. I've gotta write write to Eric,Matthew,Stirling,Shaun,and these two new guys lol and since now darren is at his nans til Monday do now I should be able to catch up.

I think I've just been blah a bit worth writing lol I did tell Scott that Im going to have to start writing short letters instead of long ones. Then again Raphael is always telling me it's hard for him to keep up with my letters lol. If I could really put my mind to it I would be able to write all my letters in a day during the day.

I believe I sent 4 letters off last week which are the first four I have sent off in a month, it's funny though because one was to a new guy and when I received his letter I couldbt even remember what I had said to him on writeaprisoner.com lol but I try to think back to what I had said.

What surprised me the most is most of these guys have very very nest hand writing. Like Eric's is like calligraphy very beautiful for a man's writing lol even mine isn't that pretty or fancy lol.

I am really really going to put more time into writing. This week I stead of watching tv til early hours of the morning lol. I just might stop trying to find others to write to. I think 20 is my number although half of them I e-mail the others I write to.  For example I can email Raphael but he can't really afford to email me so we write most of the time anyway. I don't know if his brother is in same situation but I would assume that he is as we have been writing to eachother. 

The thing is these guys have no idea, they are a huge help to me. They keep my mind occupied and they help me throughout the day haha actually I find talking to them to be very therapeutic. I could only imagine for then that having someone to write to and talk to is the same for them. Well I hope so anyway. I do know it helps their days go by quicker. Like Matthew he's gonna be out in October! Which really I really really need to write back to him lol he will maybe get two more letters from me before he's released lol. It'll be nice to keep in touch with him after though to see how he's getting on, I can't really remember how long he has been in for lol I think he's been in for a while.
Raphael is out next year as well as Eric then raphaels brother Ralph is out in 2016 it will be nice to stay in touch with all them once they are all out. They'll have so much to get used to!.

Anyway that's it for now, I have some poems though that I will be putting up tomorrow though lol.

Ttfn,
Jamie

Drawing by Refugio Ruben Cardenas

So back in June I had written to 5 others in which I got two replies. One of them was Refugio, I had explained to him about my blog and had asked if he would like me to put any of his art work up on my blog, so when I received his letter I has happy to see a drawing in there from him.

This is his work.

A letter from shaun to his wife Sengthavanh

A couple of months ago I had asked Shaun since he was never able to say goodbye to his wife, if he would like to write a letter to her for me to do something like a "message in a bottle" kind of thing and he came up with the idea to write the letter and have me post it on my blog instead, what he wants is for people to read it out loud, but that is up to you if you would like to do that. It was not his fault why he had lost his wife, I do know the whole story.There is one intimate part, but I will not remove it as I'm going to write it word for word.

Letter to my wife Sengthavanh:

Why did you have to leave me? Why couldn't you take me with you? You just left me here all alone, with nothing but there photographs hanging from my walls the bring memories flooding in like pouring rain drowning out everything else. This life seems so empty now you're gone. Everything just felt so right when we were together, no matter how crazy things might have gotten.  Our love, our life, was just perfectly imperfect.  If only I could climb inside these pictures and go back to that exact moment in time.  A moment when you were still alive, a moment when we were together and just stay in that moment forever. I miss how every night before we fell asleep I'd kiss you and tell you I loved you and you would tell me you loved me, even if we were fighting. I miss how you would not let me leave for work in the morning without waking you up for a kiss no matter how early it was, baby, even though you're gone I want you to know that you're still the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing i think about before I go to sleep at night.  I dream about you almost every night and I often wonder if it's really you coming to visit me.  If it is really you I wish there was some way you could let me know, some sort of sign so I knew it wasn't just my mind playing tricks on me....you know...you always acted so tough all the time, like nothing  could ever hurt you and alot of people never understood why I loved you so much, but thats because you showed me a part of you that no one else ever got to see.  I saw the beautiful and amazing woman that was burried underneath all that hurt, I would give anything to hear your voice or feel your body pressed up against mi ne one more time, even if only for a second.  It might sound crazy but sometimes I take your pictures and hold it close and try to imagine you here but it's just not the same I wanna feel you rest your head on my chest as I wrap my arms around you and kiss your forehead, I wanna look you in your eyes, run my fingers through your hair and tell you I love you just like I used to do, I miss your smell,I miss your taste,I miss how after we made love you'd have me stay inside of you and hold you until you fell asleep. I never felt as close to anyone as I did to you.
I miss you so fucking much baby!!  I swear it seems like only yesterday we were together, but its almost been 4 years now.  People keep telling me that I need to let you go, that it's time for me to move on, but I can't, they don't understand that even though I still exist,, A huge part of me died with you that night..  I can not and will not ever love anyone the way that I love you, I told you that you were my love, my life,my world (I even got it tattooed across my chest) and you'll always be just that.
           I'm sorry I haven't been to see you, I hope you know and understand that I can't right now, I'm in prison but I promise baby, the day I get out the first place I'm going is to see you, we can spend the whole day together, hell, the whole week together.  I'll be there I promise baby, I'll even where a famous stars and straps shirt just to make you happy.
             I want you to know that I still talk to the kids and I'm still a part of their lives as much as I can be and I always will be as long as I live I will be there for them.  They're all doing so good, I know you'd be proud of them, I know I am but I'm sure you're watching over them so you already know that.  I hope you're happy and at peace where you're at, and I want you to know that no matter how long it takes, I am coming for you, one day we will be together again, but until that day comes I want you to know that I'm here, I miss you Like crazy and I'm sorry.

I love you Sengthavanh, more than I could ever explain with words on this paper.

Until we meet again Baby
  I love you Always and for Eternity

                                                                                Written by shaun ackerman #386102
                                                                                            April 2014

To my Love to My wife
Sengthavanh

An update

Ok it's been a little over a month since I've posted anything.

I have made a few new penpals, one being rafaels brother Ralph and the other is someone I wrote to through writeaprisoner.com his name is Stirling.

I got stirlings first letter last week I believe as well as ralphs. I also have had a few from Shaun and Steven and Steve lol. Still waiting on Eric's letter which was sent two weeks ago so have no ideo what's going in with that one.

I have fallen out with jarrell over such stupid little things! Lol, I have to catch up on soooo many letters this week and try to get them sent off on Thursday. I've been a bit busy to write but I do still make time for the guys.

This is going to be a short post. But I do have to say I will be getting some stuff up on here that a couple of the guys have sent me.

One being a letter shaun had written for his wife as well as the second last letter he sent me as there is something in there that I need and want to share. As well as share my views on that.

And then some poetry from couple of other guys! So keep a close eye!

Until next time (just a couple of days)

Luv me

Interesting week :D

Ok so I've had an Interesting week so far lol. I finally got a letter from Daniel I've bot heard from him in over two months mainly because he didn't get my letter and pics that I sent him in April! So I went onto the website that I had originally messaged him on then sent him a message which then he finally responded to it. He's been in the hole for about five months now. I can't believe they've kept him in there that long :( I believe it's inhumane, he only gets an hour a day outside I believe but I'm not entirely sure.

I sent two letters off yesterday one to Raphaels brother Ralph as he had asked if I could write to him and also got a friend of mine to write to him as well:D thank you! You know who you are ;) and then I also sent a letter to Matthew a.k.a treebark lol.
I also did send two letters before that as well I think last week. One to Steven and one to Shaun although they were short and rushed I had to write back to them as they have been waiting long enough same with the other guys lol, so it's safe to say that I am finally getting my writing groove back on:)

I had a surprise letter yesterday or the day before that caught me off guard lol, it was a letter from one of the guys that Eric knows who also recently had a book published as well "random poetry by shack" Eric had totally forgotten to tell me that he had passed my address on so he kinda felt bad lol but hey I am not complaining! Lol Thats what I want to happen!

Anyway I finally sent Eric's stuff back and some pictures for him to draw for me. I am getting him to draw a pet portrait of our animals together nibbles and miss Stella jaxson and Danny, and some other things as well like a family drawing.

Eric and I are coming up with some ideas which I think are good and I'm totally excited about it! We both have though about writing a story book together! Well I'm still waiting for his response about my idea which is getting darren to tell me a story and then I write it out for him send it to Eric and then he puts the pictures together to go with the story! I think it would be a great idea being that it's coming from a 5 year olds imagination which if it were to come put I think that it would be interesting and funnier for kids to read that are his age as they would be able to see it more than the average adult lol as well as enjoy it!  I hope he's down for that proposal! So only time will tell! So to say the least I am very excited about it! If he does day yes and likes the idea then darren and I can get started in it this weekend since we have nothing else to do lol plus it would help with me and darren to spend more time together :)

Anyway that's just a catch up! Lol
Until next time ;)

The introduction to Eric's book.

Ok I had spoken to Eric and I did get his permission to do this. Because when I wanted to view the sample to his book which came out couple of weeks ago I actually didn't get to read the introduction part because it does not go that far. So I thought why not put it up on my blog so people could just get a taste of his book and how it will be or how well talented he is. I did buy it myself and just reading the introduction part had moved me to tears and had me covered in goosebumps and the same thing just kept happening with every poem I had read. It is a very good book and I am proud to say that I am an owner of his first book:) it is definitely worth buying and if you have kindle it doesn't cost much! Just under £2 :) all you have to do is go here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00KCU0A1C?cache=02921881ac0b8ee54075fbc434e5a8be&pi=SY200_QL40&qid=1402858820&sr=8-1#ref=mp_s_a_1_1

Anyway here is the introduction to Eric's book.

Coming Clean:

Hello Father, may I have a moment of your time? I know I don’t deserve it… but, I have some things on my troubled mind. I’ve sinned, Father… time and time again, I used to justify my actions, but with you, I cannot pretend. Constantly taking life for granted with folly and simple antics. Manipulating my sister’s hearts, while faking being romantic. But, here’s the thing – I’ve got to come clean, I can’t go back to who I was and still be king. So, I come to you, Father, because your word says you’ll never leave me nor forsake me, and I know I can’t do anything that will ever make you hate me. Father, I surrender my lost soul, please take my heart’s broken pieces and make your son once more whole. I have taken, and I’m still taking, though man has taken from me, now I understand that two wrongs don’t make it right, so I will do unto others as I’d wish they’d do unto me. I’ve taken the lovers of my brothers like they were my lovers, claiming to be a player, but my sins were uncovered. I’ve spoken death on my enemies, with this double- edge sword – now I realize the power of the tongue that I knew not before. I’ve shed blood, with my hands; they’re stained like the rain. After the death of my brother, I assumed it would relieve my inner pain. But in death, there is more death, more anguish, more despair and sorrows, though my tears may flow tonight, I know joy will surely come tomorrow. These are my confessions , Father, but…. that’s not all – I’ve been deceitful, sheer evil, and good, well… I’ve done hardly any good at all. But, here’s my covenant with you, Father. A pledge I promise to keep . I’ll be a son to you like David, I’ll no longer mislead your sheep; I’ll be a father to these children, even to those who are not mine; a teacher to your students, to help strengthen their corrupt minds; I’ll be your vessel as a healer, when their souls are not aligned and stray away from their evils; colors don’t make them my kind, I’ll find like-minded brothers, for I know that iron sharpens iron, and I’ll meditate on your faithful word, so I may do your work without trying. I’ll wipe the tears from the eyes of helpless, and comfort the weak, lonely, and crying – I’ll say a prayer for the ones who are in need, that are hungry, sick, and dying. There’s a lot to be done, but I’m more than ready to face the challenges life will bring. This is my first step to salvation, Father….. I had to come clean.

Garner, Eric (2014-05-14). A Book of Rubies and Pearls(BOLD Publishing Presents) (Kindle Locations 67-70).  . Kindle Edition.

Please let me know what you think:)

My story.

I've been trying to think about what I should say. But I shouldn't have to explain myself.

My story in the sun is true yes but they made that story based around what had happen. Which was bang out of order because I was under the impression they wouldn't just talk about that.

It's very difficult to explain and talk about. But he was a good friend of mine. I know scott can hope that from now on everything is going to be alright.

I gave my story to the paper to bring awareness to writing inmates because in all honesty it isn't that bad, it's not.

Yeah if you talk to someone who has taken anothers life. You do think about it at first but with me it was the case of getting to know the person. Once I get to know I ask. And when I had especially with jarrell I had instantly felt the pain in his words. So I never braught it up again.

So now I'm going to be going onto "this morning" with Scott next week to try and set things straight about my story in the sun. I was soooo disappointed with it because obviously to me they made it sound like I was a bad person the quotes were true but I didn't like the headline to my story. It's very upsetting and they made a mess of why I had wanted to to the story.

After reading the comments people had left on the sun page on facebook all I could think was I wish I never looked and thought that the sun did a very good job.

Just a bit of both :P good stuff

Ok so now I'm really really hoping that my story will be in the sun news paper tomorrow. Had some set backs with it but it's all good. I am nervous but excited because since I've been writing to inmates or since being an "inmate supporter" I have been wanting to try bring awareness to it and how it can help. I think it's rewarding for both sides really. I just pity the judgemental people who do not have an open heart or open mind about this this subject, well I don't pity them I feel sad for them.  Just the past Sunday I had had my first negative response. From a woman that I thought I would have built a friendship with, so of course I was a bit upset about it, it's like I told Scott after receiving the text messages from that woman "people like her are the reason why I'm doing this story!" It's true. There's no time in life to have a closed off heart or a closed off mind, it's people like her that don't understand that there are church goers, men and women in the army, lawyers and a whole network of people who write to inmates. How do I know this? I know this because before I decided to write I looked into it and I was reading that there are those kind of people that are writing to inmates as well the lawyers and judges are of course not writing about cases and such they write to give that company, after all at the end of the day it's the jury who decides what that person is guilty of and the judge is only a person who deals them their sentencing, so my only reply to the negative commenters is " I am not a judgemental person!" It saddens me that there can be soooo many close minded people out there.

Anyway, on another not I received a name drawing from Raphael today along with a nice long letter :) and I had also received some pictures of Eric's work today as well along with a "thinking of you card" so I have to say.....OMG ERIC IS SOOOO TALENTED HE'S GOT SUCH A GREAT HAND AT DRAWING! As well as Raphael :D so I took some pictures of the art for you lot and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do:) I will be sending some pictures for Eric to draw for me this Thursday and I can't wait to see them in art form!

So here they are my personal favorite is that of the little girl looking to the side :D

I have to say as well that I had a problem with ny camera picking up and focusing because the drawings were soooo realistic that the face detection came on lol.

Anyway until next time.

Jamie x

Lots of letters to write

I got quite a few letters today! Well technically I got two lol, I got the last set of poems from Steve and a letter from Eric which is someone new I am talking to now:) he's a real artist. I will be sending him some pictures my family,Darren,Scott and myself and one of my dad as he can take two or multiple pictures and put them together on paper. I hardly have any pictures of my dad and myself so I have asked him to draw a picture of me and my dad together so in a way I can see how we would look now although my dad will look the same as he did in 2005.  He is very talented! I have seen some of his work and I have saved some of the pictures I've seen to my phone so you can see what his work is like. It's funny really because he's quite an artist, if you go to www.theblackdovemovie.com you will be able to hear the two songs he had done for this movie that premieres In august. If u click on music then click on 'mack bone' those two songs are his, I personally like the second one. He's a sound dude and so positive! So I'm looking forward to seeing the art work he's gonna do for me which I will obviously get it framed :P oh yeah he also recently just had his book of poems released which u can get here : http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_sh_0_0?k=a+book+of+rubies+and+pearls&sprefix=

Then I received my fourth letter from Steven in Texas. It was a nice long letter. How long it takes him to type out 6-7 page letter, he said about 2-3 hours! I really have to wonder why he doesn't write them lol, I myself prefer to hand write rather than type my letters out it would do my hands in. I enjoy his letters a lot. I'm slowly getting to know him more and more but this time there was more talk about the differences between prisons in Texas and federal prisons as I had asked him about that in my last letter to him.

I have to say, I've got a lot of letters to reply too lol. There's one that I got from Raphael couple weeks ago telling me how he's being released in 11 months time! He wanted more time but they denied it and instead are putting him in the halfway house, he did explain that being in a halfway house is worse than being in prison I believe that majority of people that go to a halfway house end up going back to prison because they just haven't got the strength to be stronger than what they are. It's sad really.

Then I've got to reply to Matthew crabtree's letter lol I got two of then actually the two I received on the same day. It took longer for him to get my letters as they transferred him to another place so they had to divert my letters to that other address. I have to reply to shuans letter which was quite sad really:( he was explaining to me how the accident happened with his wife. It's very heart breaking. He did write something for me to put up on my blog. Which I will put up soon, you can sooooo see the pain as you read it. It's really heartbreaking very sad.
I have to send "silent"s pictures back and I have to write to Thomas lol, so yeah I have to get my groove back on lol....

I am still waiting for my story to be published in "the sun" newspaper, I'm very nervous about it ... But at same time I am very excited about it lol.

Anyway until next time

Jamie

A poem by jarrell

Ok so here's one of Jarrells poems I actually really like this one I think it is my favorite! I feel the emotion in it...

   "social networking"
  If you did I do now,Know how. Try and figure out,
This way up out this matrix.
I been told I'ma zombie in the fold
With a master file.
Illegitimate nigga with no child?
Then what's the fuss?
A kingmaker with no living trust
I'm just a bust.
Half naked as above so below
Righteous see, the bodies underflow.
Where the private lies the
Public don't know.
Chattell,carcass flies
Die secrets die.
Don't go baby don't go.
Check the r+b flow while Frankenstein steal mo
Nine millimeters - - -  - - ----
-Jarrell allen-

Appreciation at it's best:D

It's been a hectic few weeks! A lot has been going on, I've been getting ny story sorted out for the news paper "the sun" through press association and I'm super excited about it! It just feels too real! Something I've been trying to get into the paper or a magazine since last year is finally starting to take place! I just had the read back for my story and she had made it sound soooooo beautiful! After the photo shoot in London and now the read back I think it's by-far one of my accomplishments that have been achieved!

I have had nothing but support from my guys jarrell and steve, Steve is pretty much my biggest fan lol as he says but I know the others are as well!

Jarrell keeps telling to to shoot for the moon pretty much just keep at it :) Raphael is excited I think they all are excited for me as they all know how passionate I am about this! A goal really:)

Anyway I had sent thank you cards to jarrell, Brandon and "silent" last week which they got last night, I was a bit worried that they wouldn't give the cards to jarrell as everything was just in a big envelope and only addressed to jarrell lol. To say the least all of them were surprised well mainly jarrell and silent. So jarrell told me that silent was surprised and hasn't really said much except for "this is for me?" And of course Brandon had said "she apologized for blocking me" lol hopefully Brandon and I can bury the hatchet now or more so Brandon lol. With silents reaction, I can only think...does he actually have anyone who writes to him??? I think I might write him a letter. I hope it won't bother jarrell. Because when I told jarrell that I write to others it kind of rained on his parade :( I will only for now on say I write to others if I am asked instead of blurting it out.

It feels good though to know that I'm making someone's heart smile it really does, it makes me smile more to be told that. I might send cards more often :p lol..

I have got a drawing from Brandon to post up and some of jarrells poems. I will do the poems on a daily basis and I will post the picture up now :)

I've got so far 43 poems From Steve for his book which hopefully we can start soon!   One I do want to share. But later on. One day at a time eh!

Speak soon:)
Jamie

The drawing is from Brandon I think it's sooooo beautiful! Would love to have a tattoo like that lol..