Thoughts from jarrell..

First I have to say, these thoughts of jarrells are quite intense (I think so anyway) I've just read about what he's gone through in this post and I do have to say, he is not that man anymore he doesn't even sound like that kind of person.

I was just thinking over my last 26 years in these shit holes ... Imagine me coming into this at age 17 into federal custody by 18 ( I didnt even make it out of transit El Reno , Oklahoma before I catch an assault because a guy from La tried to rape my co defendant. I land in Wisconsin ( An FCI ) and its another world stabbings , cutthroats , homosexuals and here I am with 35 to life and so I ran rampant, stealing , robbing , stabbing  I never participated in any sexual activities or shot heroin anything because I was stronger than that but I had to be not tough but courageous. While I was in alot my family members succumbed to crack and heroin so I had nobody and most of my friends were killed. I went from an FCI to Lompoc USP then 6months later to Lewisburg and from there to Leavenworth and into a riot with the Crips. Between those 3 US Penitentiaries I saw 7 guys murdered gruesomely.  Prison is not a place of rehabilitation... A man is only changed through his indivdual thoughts and experiences, he changes because he evolves and feels the absolute need for something better, higher because he wants to survive and has greater plans for himself and his others. It took a long time for me to get to that "space" in my life because for a long time I felt I was a reprobate among other things because mind you the neighborhood I came from was like a warzone , a penitentiary itself somewhat. Southeast , DC ...Murder Capital for at least 10 yrs. I have been to the edge of the abyss and over a few times, I hear men say they would never contemplate suicide, well the Japanese consider suicide to be honorable in most situations and I have definitely thought about it many times and attempted it once becaude I felt a failure and believed I would be giving the federal government the damn finger!  
    But recently I saw a movie with Will Smith and his son as the actors and in it he says " Fear is not real and its insanity for one to even consider something that may never happen and let it effect youin such a way ...that saying struck me in such a way becausr it boomerangs back to HOPE ( even HOPELESS has hope in it ).